Sunday, December 12, 2010

Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness

Sometimes when you feel really upset about something its a big deal! Then you talk about it with a friend and it sound so pathetic and unimportant! Why is that? It doesn't feel any less important inside, but once that darn issue reaches the open air it dissolves into a hopeless, meaningless mess. This may be confusing some of you, or maybe some of you understand entirely what I am saying. I guess I'll start back at the was the summer of '09 and some family friends had recently moved to LA, a much closer place than their previous residence. We were driving half way to meet them at a resort where we would be staying with them for a week. Me and my family grew up with these guys and they had been like family to us, but it had been 6 long years since we saw them last and the time finally came for us to reunite! Since the 6 years had passed we grew up into something much different than what we once found ourselves......teenagers! Their family consists of 5 boys, and 1 girl (who is also the oldest). We were only seeing 3 of the boys because the others had found their own way and were off conquering the world. Anyways, when we arrived at the resort (my sister and parents) we were a bit nervous as to how things would go since it had been so very long and we were all so very different. Well to our delight and sheer amazement we all picked up right where we left off all those years ago. It was like we had never been apart! We had more fun that week than we ever expected to have. But the fun didn't stop there! My sister and I accompanied them back to LA and stayed another week with them in their home. We went to the beach and we were even surprised with a trip to Disneyland, just the 5 of us! It truly couldn't get any better than I thought. After the thrills of the week had gotten the better of us, and our time had run out, me and sis headed back home. Over the course of the weeks me and one of the 3 brothers really hit it off. We were almost glued at the hip the entire time! He made me laugh like crazy, we totally connected. Once home again he called, we emailed and it was like there was no land between us at all. Needless to say we had formed a crush. Nothing was ever said, no feelings were ever revealed but it was clear to me, and pretty much to everyone else, that we deep in it. This continued almost over the course of the year. We eventually faded out a little and stopped talking as much. I wasn't sure if he felt anything for me anymore, and I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about him. The next summer we arranged the same trip with them as the summer before. This time we only got to spend 3 whole days with them! For the most part I thought I was over him, but he still said things to me that made me think he may still have feelings for me. I wondered and wondered until I was just sick and finally decided that somethings gotta give. I either had to tell him how I felt, or move on entirely. I wasn't about to pour my heart out to him when I thought for sure he must be over me. So I had to give him up, and move on with my life. It was pretty hard at first but after a few days I felt refreshed, and like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
At that point I figured the worst was behind me...little did I know. On thanksgiving morning I was on Facebook, of course, and saw that his profile picture of him and some girl. At first I had this sinking feeling in me. It was later confirmed that he had, in fact, found someone else. I didn't show it, but I was devastated. Someone had taken a meet cleaver and riped out my heart with it. I was ready to be over him, but I wasn't ready for him to be over me, and I especially wasn't ready for him to find someone new. It sounds selfish when I write it all down, but I am still alone. It seems so unfair that he should be happy where I am watching from a distance, wishing. I know this will pass, and I know that I will find someone who will make me 10x more happy than he ever did. But none of that helps. Nothing anyone can say takes the pain and rejection I feel, away. Only God can do that, and I fear it will take some time.
Until then I will go on living.

1 comment:

  1. You are so gifted at articulating yourself, well written :) Love and heartbreak seem to be the theme of life at your age, as great grandma Neal used to say "This too shall pass"
    Love you